difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. you deserve the best! Thats what MOTHERS do. Be aware that forgiveness is a process. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. resentment noun. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Thats the tricky part. Dont you know thats where he was going. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). Im just searching for some truth. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Wonderful. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. I promise you that woman holds grudges. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. But I will feel better! Review/update the I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. How To Forgive & Not Hold A Grudge - Bustle Ask for forgiveness without making excuses. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. Good luck. Seriously! I really like this guy. Grace, you were right it was big let down. What a bullet you dodged. %PDF-1.6 % Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. My bad! Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. I did not respond. I hadnt even realised it was there. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. To her forgiveness meant her saying sorry (actually shouting at me, Im sorry, okay? Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. What are you bearing grudges for? Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. That just comes with time and distance. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. The best revenge is indeed moving on and being happy. Thats what happened. Ill let you know how it goes. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Theres NOTHING wrong (and in fact everything RIGHT) with pulling away from someone who is repeatedly hurting you without letup (especially after theyve been made aware of it!). I like this definition of forgiveness. That ability would really come in handy for me right now, but I cant do that. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Take a minute. Hard pass! Sorta-slow-fade. It made me feel weak and pathetic. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. You need to ask yourself why. Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. Grind vs. Hustle: A Simple Guide To Telling The Difference - Forbes NC is your most powerful action. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. Lisa. Its a choice. I dont want to be around YOU. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. Remember your boundaries. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. you are special. Are you two still together or have you broken up? I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider Please buy it! He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. Sad but true. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. I am and will always be a person of extremes. Im the same. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. I have a mother like that too! It also shows that we shouldnt judge those who keep saying Why cant you just leave him? She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. I agree 100%! Vindication? "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. There were only two or three large employers so it was almost inevitable. Please trust yourself. I am very up front with him too. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts.

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