dealing with financially irresponsible family members

i am sorry, but i will NOT be financially responsible for this woman. From what is on the net it looks like they believe it will get to be a bigger and bigger problem. So, so angry. Im looking at supporting my 60 year old father because he chose women and drugs, rather than working for a living. He was on employment insurance once but began working while still collecting and as such he now owes the government money for EI. Am I nuts or cruel for thinking this is outrageous?! You may have loving family. When he was complaining that he couldn't pay his bills, I offered to go over his budget with him and that shut him up for a while. My parents retired and decided to live like royalty. If FIL needs food, tough tuna. You can sign up for almost every service known Overheard at Costco recently: Wow. Twenty years later my mother is very sick, cant work and her car has died. every bit of it is true. No unemployment, no savings, only a broken down vehicle that was sold cheap. Building Connected Insurance Offerings Starts With Customer-Focused Innovation, Model Portfolio & SMA Strategists Selection Guide, The 2022 TAMP GROWTH SUMMIT | RECEIVE 1.5 HRS CE CREDIT, 2022 America's Most Advisor Friendly Trust Companies, America's Best Trust Technology Buyers Guide 2021-2022. Your spouse's irresponsible actions have placed you in a precarious position. Financial infidelity for control may include revenge spending, as one partner overspends to prove their independence or to get back at the other for something lacking in the relationship. He loves to work and says he will work until the day he dies. No one made you pay for your kids after they turned 18. Hi Dave I read your post a couple of times on this busy day of mine. By using it in a foolish way or giving it to someone who would spend it foolishly, youre not wasting your money, youre wasting your life. They rarely speak to her (except for my sister who is financially very well off). You cant compromise your future for them. After paying insurance an gas for his truck he sometimes comes home with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! then has the nerve to ask if her sons (c and my husband) if theyd help her pay a life insurance policy thats on their dad cause she cant afford it $200 every 3 months and then asked if me and my husband could take it over when he goes back to his old job. I tred softly when this issue comes up (he is burdened by the way) because this is his mother but it is uncalled for. What if it is you grandparents? Why its a problem: Either this relative truly doesnt get it, or they are taking advantage of your generosity. Ignoring the problem can make things worse. I havent been able to have fun in a long time. That doesnt mean I dont have friends with expensive tastes. We have been together for 7 years and we live in our own home that Ive had for years and is paid for. If youre determined to help, your sisters IRS debt isnt the most immediate issue shes facing with her home. Another parent (parent 2) is not married and has worked as little as possible. At that time, she lived beyond her means purchasing a house in one of the most expensive areas of the country, buying luxury goods, and then paying repeated IRS penalties for dipping into her retirement account too early. Im just trying my best to get myself stronger mentality by talking to my therapist once a week but this is always a constant challenging battle for me. In that case she made her choices and now shell have to live with them. But like those are words. You probably will want to downsize in the future once the kids are gone and now you cant. Bottom line were not MILs retirement account. 4) just had to take 3 months off work (covered by insurance thank God), due to daily panic attacks and anxiety disorder/depression. I told my stepson I want you to have a Better life than I had not I want to sponge off of you because I was irresponsible or lazy. I agree- to force me to be responsible for my parents mistakes is unbelievable. This isnt China, lol. Her 2nd husband passed away and they had not a penny to their name. I have one drug addict brother who she has taken a shine too and has allowed him to exploit her financially. I will cook and clean and help my son with a family business. My mom can retire in 3 years, but she has a lot of debt. They are responsible for their lives and you are responsible for yours. The parents demand they support them when living here or in Mexico . Who said you had to buy the latest and greatest? However, my divorced parents sold our family home when I was 12. Do all you can to become independent unless you want your child to resent you, be stressed over your actions or lack their of, or be dead weight. However, if they were just racking up the debt and not trying to change, I could see how I would feel resentful and not want to help them. All the other family members and friends refuse to help him, I only help him by storing his stuff and take him to lunch and breakfast, etc. If she does what she did before and gives most of the money to her church, I am not going to support her later. What can I do to protect the kids? Im still in university, teaching abroad in Korea right now. She has worked hard her entire life and continues to today. Every single one of those things was a mistake. There really is no way to fix them. Heck, were already paying into social security a lot of money to support you that isnt going to be available for us when its our turn. And, unless Im actually willing to end this and make her homeless I really dont see any legitimate way out, Whats the point of my telling anyone this? I hear youi was youngest went to work at 14, oldest two moochers tell them get out or pay up no if and buts its what my parents had to do . I am thankful to my parents who worked hard every day giving me the best of everything ( ,,from Mexico ),,,as they grew up here in the United States were taught nothing comes free .In this life . You can rebuild the relationship to a healthier level with boundaries once she is out of your house. Invested and held in stocks it might generate $1,200 a month. Dont be afraid to update your social circle. And, as a relevant comment, I would absolutely NOT support my parent that has made VERY poor financial decision his entire life, yet somehow still found a way to belittle my success. That seems quite a heartless reply to someone who has what is obvious to any thinking, feeling person a heartbreaking situation. Its a life challenge that you need to face and stabilise. Afterall, children dont ask to be born. They just dont have enough money to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner out everyday, shop at expensive grocerey stores etc. We all live in California, while my dad bums around New Jersey. I wont. Her last job was in 2000. Un-follow them on social media. Still, it places a real financial burden on the children as they have to deal with the financial demands of their parents while still keeping their own financial ship afloat. He is a high earner (doctor), so was able to hide it from most of the outside world but I saw it destroy first my mother (till she died) and then my step mother. If i give her money, she gives it away to others ad a gift from her. Im sorry but 100% of the problems theyre having is their fault and their alone. I want to be done! Actions have consequences, and I feel bad and upset. Her aweful example and my fathers push you out the door, have fun paying for college technique have made me extremely financially independent. We went on expensive family holidays, my parents always paid for everyone whenever there was an occasion that we were eating at a restaurant etc., they entertained a lot. No sense of saving for a rainy day or preparing for the later years when one cant earn a living as well anymore. Even after all this years he still calls me cheap because Im frugal. He also likes to live in the best neighborhoods. Why its a problem: Family members and loans are a tricky combination that can create tensions that can last years. As far as financially supporting parents, the law should not make it mandatory for children to do so on a general scale. She was a terrible mother and didnt cobtribute anything to my life, but shes helpful to some degree with my children which offsets Her living with us for free. This is called compassion for fellow man. hope it gets better for you I feel little better knowing im not alone. Seeking the help of a financial advisor who understands your goals and financial situation is a great way for you and your partner to confront the issues plaguing your marriage. She and her husband are pregnant with their second child, live rent-free with her parents, have two brand new cars with $300 payments, and have high car insurance due to multiple wrecks on both of their records. One of my goals for 2020 is to launch a podcast where listeners can ask questions the way they used to call into the show. Financial aid to relatives needs to come with some serious strings attached, and if his mother is unwilling to accept those strings, she must not need the help. My father chose not to work for over 25 years. My father died when I was 12 so I helped pay my way to age 18 from age 12 so I should be exempt from this law due to the fact that my income was half or better of the annual income that our household had. Even though my fathers parents were super responsible and never took a penny from any of their children, my father thought nothing of quitting a perfectly good job and retiring in his 50s (although he has been perfectly capable of working). You cannot control others, only yourself and you chose to help them out at a cost to you. I feel bad but I feel that I should not have the make this decision because he is well able to take care of himself. They have decided to take an early retirement and want to live with me and my family to survive on this reduced income. Just like parents have a responsibility to cut off their children when their children are using the parents as a financial safety net for their irresponsible financial choices. Ive supported myself since I was 17 and learnt to live within my means. Heavens no. Your mother sounds like she has a mental illness such as depression. My mom is only 57 and living with us. Thinking of their healthcare needs and my own are just scary. Some of them do it because they dont trust the government sticking their hands in their wallets for taxes, etc Some others are actually be lazy. But so what, its time for them to grow up at the age of 68 & 69 and its time for me to stop feeling guilt and take care of myself and my family so i do not repeat this cycle. My partner calls what they are going through a terrible bouts of misfortune but really, thats not it at all. She then proceded to secretly go $40,000 in CC debt and steal my identity. He has 4 other siblings, not one helps and hed the only one trying to pay actual bills like a mortgage, car ins. It doesnt make you a bad person. Our parents have also helped her out over the years but none of us know what to do. Well first of all, I consider filal responsibilty laws to be outrageously unconstitutional. If a parent is so selfish to raise their children by depriving them of financial sustainability and neglecting parenting to live their lives. You obviously missed the point that some states force you to pay for your parents if the state deems you can afford it, whether you can or not. I am just very concerned because I know that they will not have enough money to retire and will become a huge burden on my family. I am young and I make sacrifices and save my money. The problems they are facing now are a direct result of ones irresponsibility but both are suffering. Complex Feelings: Bitterness and Anger. My struggle is that one of my parents has always been stubborn about work ethic and spending habits. I know I messed up and am thankful for the help. She moved in with us due to some poor life choices shes made and since then weve been supporting her. Balancing the interests of the responsible children with those of the irresponsible children may bring hard feelings. !Have her baker-acted and sent to rehab. His mother, and father both drank themselves to the point of cirrhosis. She just kept living the way she wanted and leaching wherever she could. Told my father we were walking away. Were they to need us, it would truly be because of circumstances beyond their control, but I resent that my family will now have to support his mothers health, transportation, housing, food, etc costs for the next 30 plus years because of her poor choices. Plan to pay for yourself in retirement or get someone to push your ice flow out to sea, but to expect your adult children to ruin their lives or their own childrens lives because of your extreme selfishness is not reasonable. I do feel it is my duty to care for them, but it not my duty to give them any lifestyle they desire. You are an adult grown up. Sounds like you may be a dead beat. I, for one, am absolutely not in an economic or physical position to assist her (no place in my home, or hers, plus she moved far away). There is so much more to this than I could possibly write here. NO. The constitution will very likely come up, you will hear, This is a free country. As to my position, I dont mind helping my parents if I can financially handle it and if they show respect. But Ill feel guilty if we dont. I live across the country from them and theyre seethingly jealous of my lifestyle. Mom wont work and dad is reluctant but still does. My mother is passed, and my father well off. The words that you chose to use in your reply were so carefully selected to cut that person down, that I cannot help but assume that you are actually the one that is spoiled, entitled, and selfish. I fear that one day theyll show up on my doorstep. I may love my mother but I have no wish to live with her ever again, and with what I have found out lately, I am actually embarrassed to call her my mother. I have not been able to hold down a relationship because the men I meet can not cope with my stressful situation. She has done a lot for us as kids, and we all appreciate it, but it is difficult for us and causes lots of internal arguments. Youve been sympathetic so far, inviting her to move back home and helping out with some of her expenses while she gets on her feet. Thought I had problems! Dont get me wrong I love my parents but I have a life of my own to live. When No One in the Family Wants to Pay Property Taxes, What Can You Do? I spoke with my parents many times, pleading with them to put a portion of the money down on a house to create some security, but he houses were not good enough for them. My dad seems to be ok financially but my Mom, age 72, still works in a factory for $9 an hour and has no savings and still owes about $45k on her home. You notice a lot of envelopes from Chase or Bank of America in their apartment. When you were little, and dependent on your mom, she had total control over you. Its really, really hard to experience and deal with. My husband says hell have no problem telling them no (yes, weve talked about this, and both see it as happening). This is an incredibly emotional topic, and as such it is difficult to think in the abstract about what you would do. I have lived very modestly. My boyfriend went Years without heat and hot water. Like many in her age group, your 25-year-old daughter graduated college with crushing student loan debt and is struggling to find a full-time job. Family and money: A lesson in accepting what you cannot change I have friends who have their paternal parents living with them. My wife does their laundry and picks up after them. I hope and pray you can find a solution! The resolution next moves to the Democratic-majority Senate. My father does not return my emails, letters or phone calls and has not done so for many years. I always paid for school and other expanses myself by working. My parents make decen money, had countless times where they had more than enough to save, but they always blew it- an not on us kids. Shed taken out the loan right out of college when her own father refused to co-sign with her, and she hadnt understood the loan terms. Your sister seems to be the type of person who knows she doesnt have to: someone will be there is there to catch her before she hits rock bottom. What your parents have done is done do not contribute to a continuation of this cycle by jeopardizing your future and that of your children. Read Dave Ramsey or something similar if you need a plan. It may occur simultaneously with other forms of abuse, such as neglect, emotional abuse, or physical abuse. This whole situation has resulted in the following actions on my part: 1) Changed career (with the intention of earning more money). The best (worst?) The solution is to find a compromise that works well for both of you. My dad is now in his late 50s, in very poor health, currently living in a different city. Let's work out a plan so that you can pay me back., Say, I am willing to help you; however, I don't want this to happen regularly. Thank you Jen for your advice and sharing your story. For me personally, Im in college and my parents have started leaning on me financially. Dealing with financially irresponsible family members is never simply resolved by opening your checkbook. Thanks to several weeks of seeing occupational health nurses, doctors, behavioral counsellors and shrinks, I now have the means to turn my life around. I finally found someone else out there that has a similar issue. Stay-at-home moms may suddenly find . I did not say DONT help you parents I said try to balance things in life a little. I was too busy with school & had utmost faith she was looking out for her prized son, that i didnt notice the house was overpriced at $600k, now $400k today. Dont Obsess Over Investment Returns, but you MUST Obsess Over this, The Best & Cheapest Tax Software for 2023, Save Money on Amazon: A List of Amazon Discounts, Promos, & Price Hacks, Get Free 20somethingfinance Newsletter Emails, Only 15% aged 44-54 have over $250,000 saved. If you need help going to interviews, I can watch the kids or give you a ride.. I live in a single room, in a shared house with 3 other roomates. Their house is a dump from lack of care. Sometimes, borrowers feel less obligated to repay the loan promptly. According to the laws regarding my mother and her situation I am liable for her bills upon her death if I can afford them since she was there for part of my life until age 16. My mother wants to stop working, and both of them want to move in with me. your an idiotif your parents decide to irresponsibly blow their money knowing you will foot the bill.they are on their own..why should you pay for it.

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